The last time I wrote a blog post, it was over a year ago, and I've decided to take that up again and see if I can't write a post a week about the various goings on in my life.
So, to kick things off again, this is an open letter of ten facts about the current me to my friends and family and anyone else who stumbled across my humble page and decided to take a glance. This letter is not meant to offend (I know of course as soon as someone says that, they usually say something offensive, but seriously, this isn't the case), but to enlighten those who I talk to on a semi-normal basis about my current life.
Let's start with a list (because anyone who knows me knows how much I love my lists):
- Asking if I've found a job yet is very frustrating. Yes, I realize that people ask out of a good-natured desire to legitimately learn what is happening in my life, and I appreciate your kindness - but this is a very sensitive topic, because it's now been over two years since I've graduated from five years of college with a Bachelor's degree and I still don't have an actual career and I damn well want one. I would LOVE to be able to sit at a desk in some publishing company and do my thing, to have my own place and my own car with my own dog and cat, but as life would have it, that's apparently not in my cards right now.
- Going along with #1 it is not that easy to simply get a job straight out of college, contrary to what everyone tells you. To the friends and family that were fortunate enough to have this opportunity, that is wonderful, and I'm sincerely happy for you - like, for real, I am. However: just because you did it doesn't mean it's that easy for everyone, and it's important to remember that. Like I said, I've been trying for two years, and I think I've sent out hundreds of resumes and cover letters and portfolios by now.
- The same goes for finding a boyfriend slash husband. Just because I don't have one doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me, even if most of the time I honestly wonder if there is. And just because someone younger than me has a significant other doesn't make me an old maid at 25 years old, even if the world considers otherwise.
- I suck at communication. I honestly and truly do, it is legitimately one of my biggest and hardest faults to overcome. That being said, just because I don't text or call you in no way lessens my affections or love for you. It just means that I suck at communication, which is not equal to disliking someone, especially with my innate desire to internalize everything. This goes especially to my amazing and very patient former roommates that I miss terribly even with my sucking at texting them.
- I love very hard and very deeply. It's not that easy to take that away. I am very well known for getting extremely attached to people, to animals, to television shows and movies, to actors and writers and books, to things, to basically everything that I love. Once I love someone or something, it is very, very difficult to stop feeling the way I do about it (Exhibit A: Harry Potter). I think one of my best traits, contrary to my worst trait (i.e. my sucky communication skills, or lack thereof) is that I'm just an extremely loyal person (not to toot my own horn or anything). This also means that I get very emotionally invested in things and oftentimes need a bit of help trying to get myself settled again and/or pulled out of that emotional investment.
- I'm not a perfect person. I mess up. I make stupid mistakes. I am extremely forgetful, something that is magnified by both my huge influx of stress and my depression. I put my foot in my mouth constantly and say things that I shouldn't. I forget to text back like all the time. I'm insensitive at times. I'm ridiculous. I'm sometimes petty. I lack motivation for pretty much anything, which sucks. I am lazy. I bicker and squabble with my siblings on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis. I have a lot of really amazing, truly wonderful friends, but I am still desperately lonely, probably because I don't actually live near any of those amazing, truly wonderful friends, at least not close enough to just say "hey let's go to the movies in ten minutes." When I was fourteen I shoplifted some cheap (and probably tacky) jewelry from a few stores before I was caught by my mother in what I can only describe as one of the worst moments of my childhood and a disappointment I never want to see again on her face. I tend to internalize things because I don't like pity or people feeling sorry for me, so I keep it all to myself. I can't let things go, even stupid things that don't actually matter, like whether the truck that passed was blue or green. I'm ridiculously and embarrassingly oversensitive. I let silly things bother me when they shouldn't. I have severe depression and anxiety, but I have no health insurance and therefore I have no way of getting medication, which means I have to mediate my own moods and that is extremely difficult. There have been some truly wonderful people who have been extremely patient with me over the course of the past few years, and I am eternally grateful for your support and your kindness and your generosity, as well as your willingness to work with me through this hard time (here's looking at you, Aunt Traci).
- Inevitably, someone will always ask how my mother is doing. I don't actually mind this, because I love my mother more than anything, and her health and safety and well-being are my number one priority. As long as you don't try to refer me to the Susan G. Komen foundation (which is a worthless and selfish "charity," and I use that term very lightly), then asking about my mom is usually entirely fine. Besides, I'll usually talk about her all the time anyway, because I am the world's biggest mama's girl and proud of it.
- I suck at asking for help. Like. Really suck. Chances are, if you offer to help me, I'll shuffle my feet and smile and say no, thank you, because I am just really bad at accepting help. Not because I don't want it, or because I think badly of you, but because I am just incredibly, cripplingly shy and awkward when it comes to asking for help.
- I always had a dream to be published at a really young age and wow the world. Since that obviously didn't happen, all I want now is to just get published. Since I haven't actually finished my manuscript yet, I just need to get off my butt and get moving on that. But like I said, working myself up to finishing after two years of lazing around is very hard.
- I really, really miss college. I don't miss the distance or the flying or the exams, but I miss college itself. I have no reason to go back to grad-school. I miss the classes, I miss the people, I miss the roommates, I miss being social - basically I just miss having an actual life.
