Let's Talk About Waitressing

Unless you've actually been a waiter or a waitress, most people actually have little to no idea how the process actually works. And this isn't really a criticism (unless you fall under one of the categories listed below), more like just a general observation of the world and its workings. Just like you can probably imagine what it's like to be the pilot of an airplane, but unless you've actually been the pilot of an airplane, you can't really understand it fully.

I've been a waitress now for almost seven years, not including the very terrible instances of working at McDonald's, Moe's Southwest Grill, and Maggie Moo's Ice Cream. I first was hired as a waitress at the Ruby Tuesday in Potomac Mills Mall right after my high school graduation in 2007, then transferred to the one in Dumfries, where I worked until sometime in 2012. Now I work at Applebee's in Stafford Marketplace which, while not the most glamorous job on the face of the planet, is nevertheless a means of earning money.

Waitresses (and I'm using this term because the term "server" grosses me out a little because while I will bring you food, I do not serve you food because I am not a server and okay I am not going to get into the medieval terminology here because that is totally off topic) are a respectable (key word: respectable) job to have, except I'm relatively sure that most people forget that when they go out to eat.

So, in order to maximize everyone's dining out experience, let's take a look at the process of a shift when one is a waitress (or a waiter) because I feel it is important to note that these are the WRs: the Waitressing Realities.

So here are the basics:

1. When you're scheduled, you have an in time, but not an out time; meaning you might be scheduled to work at 10:30am, but you'll have no idea what time you'll be leaving. This is because they can't guarantee when the business will be slowed down enough for you to leave, which basically means you can't ever make any proper plans ever.
   
2. Each waitress or waiter has an assigned section with a certain amount of tables, and everything is drawn out on a floor plan. This is usually made before the waitresses get to work, but often times is made as soon as the first guest comes in because people forgot or got busy and therefore results in a whole lot of chaos and confusion as everyone bickers and squabbles about who picks up the first table of people who decided to come into a restaurant at 10:45am even though it doesn't actually open until 11:00am. Also, these floor plans are not concrete, because even if you have Section 2, you will pick up tables in Sections 1, 3, 5, 6, 7, 113, 2074, and 8942 because the sections are made up and the points don't matter (and people have an annoying habit of a) seating themselves wherever they want; b) switching tables because the first one apparently wasn't good enough; and/or c) asking to sit in a section which will inevitably be the only closed section without a waitress or waiter assigned to it).
   
3. There is, contrary to popular belief, a floor rotation plan - meaning whoever is the first waitress to come in is usually the first to be sat, the second is second to be sat, and so on and so forth. So if there is Bob, Jane, and Stuart, and Bob came in first, Bob would be the first to get a table, Jane would be the second, and Stuart would be the third. But this really doesn't matter anyway because no matter what happens, the rotation will never go in order, and sometimes people wonder if the rotation actually exists or if it's just a mysterious thing that appears every now and then.
   
4. The term "cut" does not refer to a) being fired, or b) your shift actually ending. When one is "cut" it means that you no longer take any tables. You finish up with your current tables, do sidework, roll silverware, clean your section, sacrifice two goats to the Pagan gods, run a mile around the school, offer up your soul to a passing salesman, count to two million and thirty-six, print out your little checkout sheet that has all of your funds on it, get your sidework, silverware, and section all checked out by whoever is closing the shift, turn in any cash needed to the manager, and then finally get to leave approximately three days and two hours after you were actually cut.
   
   In all actuality, when one is "cut," it usually means that you will probably spend the next hour doing everything needed to finish so you can actually go home and eat something other than the Saltines you've been nabbing off the expo line (who even eats those, anyway) and the peppermints from the host stand (hey, they're good and they make your breath minty fresh). And just because you're "cut" does not necessarily mean that you won't get sat with another table on accident.
   
   Also if you expect to be cut first because you were the first person in, you have another think coming because apparently the person that comes in at 12pm clearly has more important things to do than the person that came in at 10:30am and set up the entire beverage station and expo line that the person who came in at 12 inevitably messed up at some point during the shift.
   
5. The "expo line" is the line where the food comes out. This is where the cooks put the dishes when they're finished, and it is up to the expo line worker to double check everything as it comes out to make sure it's right. It's also the line where we add garnishes, silverware, sauces, sides, and where the most mess, bickering, and squabbling happens. Sometimes there is no expo-line worker, so the waitresses or waiters will be the ones to get their own food. However, if there is an expo, be careful of talking to him because the expo is his (or her) space and he (or she) will get entirely pissy and cop an attitude with you if you so much as touch his (or her) expo line, even if you're just dusting off a little corner because the "power" of being an expo has gone to his (or her) head and clearly they can't just talk to you instead of at you.
   
6. Yes we still have to pay for our own food (fifty percent discount, though!).
   

When it comes to the food...

1. Why yes, I am supposed to know exactly what every single little ingredient is in every single dish even though they're listed right in front of you on the menu. And yes, I will lie through my teeth and tell you a dish is good when you ask even if I've never tried it before because there are fifteen thousand things on this menu and there is no possible way to have tried them all in a certain amount of time unless you have a stellar memory and a lot of money (and too much time on your hands).
   
2. Repeat after me:
   
   Waitresses and waiters do not cook the food you eat. 
   Waitresses and waiters do not cook the food you eat.
   Waitresses and waiters do not cook the food you eat.
   This means that when your steak comes out over-cooked or your burger comes out too pink in the middle it is not our fault. We have nothing to do with the fact that the cook screwed up your order, so please do not treat us as though we were the ones who cooked it wrong. If you leave me a crappy tip (or no tip at all) because your steak came out wrong, even though we remade it quickly and apologized profusely, that says more about you than it does about me, and what it says about you is that you are a no class douchebag (pardon my French).
   
3. Mistakes happen.
   
   Mistakes
   
   happen.
   
   This is a novel concept, I know, but 99.9% of the time, when something wrong happens at a table, it is entirely unintentional and without any sort of malice or ill intent towards the occupants of said table. If you asked for blue cheese on your salad, and there was no blue cheese on your salad when you got it, this was not an illicit attempt at undermining the secret masterminds of cheese hoarders everywhere, but, in fact, a momentary lapse in memory - aka sometimes we just forget.
   
   This does not mean we're neglecting your table. This does not mean we hate your table. This does not mean that we're harboring some sort of vengeful fury against your table and want to send them to Hades. It means that we are human beings and we can forget things too.
   
   And yes, how we handle forgetting makes all the difference, but if I've apologized to you and done everything I can to make your experience better, then you should at least give me the benefit of the doubt.
   
4. If you come in on a Friday night at 7pm and expect to get your food quickly, you will be sadly mistaken, just like that guy who thought it would be a good idea to invent autotuning or the guy who named his kid "North" when his last name was "West."
   
5. If you look around a restaurant and it is jam packed, full of people with still more waiting at the door, chances are your food will be slow to come out, so don't make a big deal out of the fact that your salad took five minutes longer to come out than it should have.
   
6. Repeat after me:
   
   If your food came out slow, it is not the waitress or waiter's fault.If your food came out slow, it is not the waitress or waiter's fault.If your food came out slow, it is not the waitress or waiter's fault.
   
   Waitresses and waiters have no control over how fast or how slow the kitchen makes food. Which means that if your food took a long time to come out, it has literally nothing to do with the waitress unless he or she is not paying attention. But nine times out of ten, it's because the kitchen is a) backed up with orders, or b) just being slow. So complaining because your food came out slow does not equal a terrible waitress.

Now that we've got the basics of things, a few random facts about waitressing necessary for your delightful dining experience:

1. Waitresses (at least here in Virginia) do not get paid minimum wage. I get a measley $2.14/hr, which is hardly enough to pay off a can of Pringles, let alone my credit card bill. This also means that what you tip us is what we get paid. If you do not tip or if you leave a crappy tip for no reason other than you're just a slimy git then you are basically robbing us of our paycheck. If I am honestly and truly making an effort, not tipping or tipping badly is just plain rude. If I slack off or am rude (which I can honestly say is never the case), then by all means, tip what you think I deserve (or don't deserve). But if you're basing your tip off of any of the above criteria, then please just remember that as a waitress we have little to no control over a lot of things involving the kitchen, especially the pace of it.
   
2. Complaining to a manager is only effective if you have a legitimate concern. Complaining your food took forever to come out on a Friday night during dinner rush will probably not get you anywhere, plus it makes you look bad, so it's highly recommended not to.
   
3. There is no "set" tip, which means please don't always tip $5 for every single bill, especially if it's over $25. Tip based on what you think your waitress deserves, but just remember that what you're giving her is what they will use for their own living expenses. $5 on a $40 check is pretty darn low, plus it reflects on a waitress's efforts and they will sit and wonder and agonize about what they did wrong or why that person lowballed them for a good portion of the shift.
   
4. Yes I have to wear this uniform. No, it will not stay clean for an entire shift no matter how hard I try to keep from spilling stuff on me.

This is relatively long winded, but seeing as how I've been a waitress for so long, I felt it important to note the above details for anyone who eats out, will eat out in the future, has eaten out in the past, and is even considering eating out ever again. I don't mind my job, but that's what it is - a job - and some people tend to forget that when they're out to eat.

Long story short: please consider all the facts when tipping your waiter or waitress.